Tears, Fears, and Book Reviews (In Which I Pour my Heart Out)

First I'd like to apologize to authors and publishers to whom I promised review of book/books. You might have noticed the decline in reviews for the last few months. This has to do with helping my oldest son in school and the focus of the summer months. My youngest turned 4 this year which meant starting school this September so I thought I would get an early start in preparing him for this drastic change, I never expected it to be easy but I also didn't know it would become this hard.

I first noticed he had difficulties with his speech, but along the way I also noticed he had difficulties with behaviour, transitions, and just pretty much dealing in public. At home he was happy healthy and had the regular amount of tantrums expected of any 3 year old, but it all suddenly started to change. He would get agitated very easily, he stopped responding to direction, and his eating/sleeping habits changed drastically. It had become difficult for me to take him anywhere and sometimes I didn't even want to. So I shared my concerns with his pediatrician and I was referred to a speech and language therapist. We both agreed at the time that maybe this aggression was coming from the fact the he could not communicate, I was wrong. I began to take notice that he was always on the tip of his toes, wanted his toys a certain way and could not deal with a change, fascination with his fingertips (what they call finger posturing), and sometimes how fictional things such as cartoons began to take part in his daily life. He would repeat all the things from a cartoon he liked, and what I would later come to learn is called echolalia.

Upon his first assessment with the speech pathologist she saw all these things right from the start which she was afraid of sharing because she didn't want to offend me but I had already shared my concerns with her. What wasn't apparent when we saw the pediatrician was so very clear now. A referral letter was written and now we are in the process of doing a Multidisciplinary Assessment which in all honesty takes awhile to be complete. So as of right now I'm left with a that he is most likely is autistic.

The good news is that E has his strengths and can work independently and from first glance nothings seems to be amiss. Well he had his first day of school today and I hoped, I prayed that it would be a good day but sadly it was not. I mean it could be worse, I tell myself it could be worse but it hurts when your baby gets scared by other students touching him cus they are excited he's at school. It hurts, because I want him to play and enjoy the benefits of kindergarten, it hurts because I want him to make friends. It hurts because they say he's too violent and look at me like I did something wrong. I wish they could see that smile or hear his laugh or experience that first time he looks right in your eyes and explain about Titanic. And I hurt because I think "why can't he just be normal and sit in that fucking circle with the other kids?" I should know there is no such thing as normal, I should know more than anyone. Yet I can't help my thoughts and I can't help feeling like I did something wrong or I was too late to finally do something.

My boys are my entire life since I had my oldest 7 years ago. I felt like now was the time to do something finishing school and provide a better life for them. Now I live with this anxiety of always expecting a call and so I stopped believing in myself, I stopped believing in E. I can change this and I will. I've been reading and researching on how to make him cope when and if he is diagnosed with autism. My goal is to make sure he's happy and stop worrying about what others are thinking. It’s my job to make sure he has a fulfilling school life and if public school is too much and he needs someplace geared towards his needs. I'm neither afraid nor embarrassed of that fact. Elie is brilliant, he's amazing, he's fantastic and I'm no longer worrying about placing him in a box. I am not without tears and moments of doubt but I can't afford to doubt I can only believe that in time with work and dedication that his days away from home will become easier. 

Sorry for the rant, but I just needed to vent. So again I apologize for the lack of reviews. I'm not stopping, I just ask that you be patient and know I haven't forgotten just been preoccupied.