Review: Naked Tails by Eden Winters

Reviewed by Fehu
Naked Tails by Eden Winters
Dreamspinner Press
Novel: 234 pgs
4 Pants Off

Blurb:
Seth McDaniel wasn’t raised among a shifter passel and has no idea what it’s like to turn furry once a month. An orphan, torn from his father’s family at an early age, he scarcely remembers Great-aunt Irene. Now her passing brings him back to Possum Kingdom, Georgia, to take up a legacy he doesn’t understand and reconnect with a friend he’s never forgotten.

As Irene’s second-in-command, Dustin Livingston has two choices: assume control of the passel or select another replacement. Unfortunately, the other candidates are either heartless or clueless. Dustin’s best hope to dodge the responsibility is to deliver a crash course in leadership to his childhood pal Seth, a man he hasn’t seen in twenty years. However, while Dustin's mind is set on his task, his heart is set on his old friend.

Seth’s quest for answers yields more questions instead. What’s with the tiny gray hairs littering his aunt’s house? Why do the townsfolk call each other “Jack” and “Jill”? Do Dustin’s attentions come with ulterior motives? And why is Seth suddenly craving crickets?

Review:
Seth lost his parents when he was a child and had to move in with his grandmother, away from his childhood home, his aunt and his best friend Dusty. Now, 20 years later, Seth lives in Chicago, has a career he likes as a photographer and more than 1000 friends on his page. His relationship status isn't looking very good and after getting his hopes up about another reunion, with his sometimes boyfriend Michael, there is bad news he has to deal with. First Michael tells him about his engagement to an old lover, and then he gets a letter about his aunt’s death and has to go back to Georgia, Possum Kingdom, to settle her estate. It's there that things start to become interesting for Seth and he learns more about his parents death, his family history and something new about himself.

Now Seth has to deal with an unwanted suitor, a newfound appreciation for his former best friend Dusty and an unfriendly female Jill Monica, whatever that was supposed to be! And there isn't even an internet connection in his new home, just to top it all off. After a possum encounter, where one bites him, strange things start happening. Suddenly there is the possum’s community he has to win over and a challenge to face if he wants to retain his family's heritage.

Overall, it's quite an enjoyable novel, well written and it's not the typical wolf/cat shifter paranormal romance, so it gets point for creativity! Seth is cute, a bit of a loner but one can empathize with him. Dusty, well I have mixed feeling about him and their instant attraction. For a guy who only had three lovers Seth is quick to offer sex to Dusty, I found that a bit out of character. The whole possum thing is actually pretty funny, because really a werepossum doesn't sound all that glamorous (Seth agrees with me there after reading his mothers book/diary). Preening possums youth, crickets and issues with dogs are quite entertaining.

The plot is a bit predictable, I'm afraid and I don't like instant lust/love, which more or less happens here. Also, there is the issue of Dustin; I disliked him and Andy setting Seth up, about the coyote issue, to see if Seth would cheat in a fight. What loving partner would do that and then not tell Seth about it all being a test?  A hurt lover should come first, at least in my humble opinion. The hot/cold behaviour in the beginning didn't endear him to me, either.

Should you read this? Well everybody to their own, but if one likes shifter, stories and want something different, then I would recommend Naked Tails. If one need some fun, light read, which is also well written and doesn't mind were possum... say it with me: WEREPOSSUM, that concept alone sets me off laughing, then this is a perfect fit.

4 Pants Off

Review: Bittersweet by Dallas Coleman

Bittersweet by Dallas Coleman
Prizm Books
Novella: 140pgs
3.75 Pants Off

Blurb:
Twins Marcus and Micah have moved all over the country, trying to find a place to run their favorite business. They love their coffee shop, but there's always something, some sort of malevolent presence always ruins it for them. They don't know who or what it is that haunts them, only that they can't seem to escape it.

This time, though, they may have found just the right place to help them exorcise what ails them. Their new hometown has Spook, who has a pregnant friend, a demon belt buckle, and a way with spirits, as well as a host of other folks who are ready to take Marcus and Micah's problem on. Things get complicated quickly, and nothing is what it seems in this fast-paced urban fantasy.


Review:
In an odd way, I really enjoyed this book. It was interesting, sad, and filled with many unique qualities. Yet, there was missing; the length for one is an issue with so much going on. I wanted more, and for the life of me how is this categorized as YA.

Twin Marcus and Micah have been running from something. They don't know what to call it but they know it has been creating problems for their business. They have had to move a few times and almost every time it never works out. Now they have a new coffee shop, but something still is not right. In comes Spook a Goth looking kid sent by his boss to check out what’s happening in the coffee. He's making the twin nervous and shit all but hits fan when witch Moira arrives, and in comes a talking gigantic bird. Suddenly what was supposed to be a quick job turns into utter disaster with a dead body.

Alright, there is so much interesting things going on in this story but it wasn't fleshed out properly. Too many viewpoints made it jumbled, and all the characters that just popped out of nowhere made it even messier. The reader will have to spend a serious amount of time trying to figure out what's happening and who's who. Mostly I spent all my time going "WHY?" and did all that crazy really needed to happen.

There is no romance, but most of the characters seem to have some romantic entanglements. Which means there is a story for each of the characters (it’s just not written into the story) usually something like that wouldn’t bother me but there was so much, I sorta needed their back-story. I felt like fish out of water flapping around and trying to make sense but in the end succumbing to being on land (wow look at me).

Should You Read It? There is so much to like in this story, and yes it is quite different. However, the level of activity going on required a lot more pages and a tighter plot. Yet, I found it interesting and enjoyed it cus I gobbled it up in about an hour and a half. I wouldn't mind a bit more from this world. The title surely is fitting too!

What's Happening This Week!

Hello dear readers, hope you had a wonderful holiday filled with family and lots of love. But now, lets celebrate that its over and we won't have to see it for another year *Yipeeee*. With Christmas gone that means it's almost time for a new year (a new freaking year) 20 effing 13. I just can't believe I have to add another year to my age *sucks* :D

I started watching Teen Wolf a few days ago and lets just say I am behind on the reading (which will only become worse cus I am gonna wanna read fanfic) There is just no hope for me guys, I am so easily distracted by teenage pretty (guys were never that hot when I was in highschool. Yes there were a few good-looking dudes but abs weren't a popping like that). Please forgive me but I just cannot help myself!

This week I have some awesome books to read but keep your fingers crossed that I do read them (Darien is just so distracted right now). Plus my shiny list of 2012 faves!

Here's whats causing a pants losing this week....

Reviews:
Bittersweet by Dallas Coleman
Naked Tails by Eden Winters (Fehu)
The Nothingness of Ben by Brad Boney
Worth the Coming Home by Lisa M. Owens
Compulsion by Clare London
Shy by John Inman (Fehu)

Other Posts:
The Master List: My Fave books of 2012
Waiting On A Pants Losing: January Pants Droppers



Giveaways & Guest Posts:
The Master List Giveaway (My Treat)
Alex Beecroft: Guest Post & Giveaway (Riptide Publishing Tour)
Storm Moon Press (Anniversary Tour)

~Have a good week & Happy New Year!~

Review: Lessons Learned, Wishes Earned by Cassandra Gold

Reviewed by Fehu
Lessons Learned, Wishes Earned (Evergreen) by Cassandra Gold
Dreamspinner Press
Short Story: 34pgs
4 Pants Off

Blurb:
Playing elf to Haven, the boss’s son, leaves Lachlan feeling he’s firmly on St. Nick’s Naughty list. Lachlan is sure Haven is just like the spoiled rich boy who broke his heart and ruined his life a year earlier. But after watching Haven help the less fortunate, Lachlan longs to offer him shelter on a lonely Christmas Eve. Maybe this year, he’ll actually get his Christmas wish.





Short Review:
Lachlan thought he was having a bad year, what with his last boyfriend being married and nearly managing to frame Lachlan for fraud. So he lost his job and now has to juggle two jobs and care for his parents. Then now he has to play the elf in the toy store where he is working together with the boss's son, Haven, who Lachlan assumes is a spoiled brat, just like his last boyfriend.

It turns out Lachlan couldn't be more wrong! Haven is not spoiled; he donates his time to help bring gifts to those who needs some cheering up and helps Lachlan with his chores so they can enjoy their holidays. Haven is caring and thoughtful and the best part it seems that he likes Lachlan...THAT way.

So the story is not really original what with a Santa and Elf pairing, only in costume of course ^_~

But it's sweet, made me smile and is just the right pick you up story in the stressful days of Christmas and if one has to deal with the whole family. The story proceeds at a nice pace and I felt sorry for Lachlan and the bad year he was having, so it was nice to read about him getting his happy end at Christmas (and the nice Santa). There is another message there as well, that some people had a worse year then we had and not to dwell on our own misery. Super cute read!

4 Pants Off

Review: Knight of Wands by Theo Fenraven

Knight of Wands (Precog in Peril #2) by Theo Fenraven
Voodoo Lily Press
Novella: 100pgs
3 Pants Off

Blurb:
Gray Vecello and Cooper Key are back in the exciting sequel to Three of Swords. Graham’s treasure is only the tip of the iceberg as a thief helps himself to a hidden stash of cash, Jolly Roger makes another appearance, and the guys finally meet others with special abilities when an emergency meeting of the group is called.

Accompanying them on this new adventure is Gray’s cousin, Harper, who’s having problems of her own. Peace and quiet will have to wait as they take another trip downriver on their houseboat, The Constant Companion, before flying to New York City to beard a lion in his den and unexpectedly meet the SOS.



Short Review:
I am a little disappointed in how this story turned. What worked for the first story was surely missing in this one, and the characters seemed very different. The all around rollercoaster ride took away from my enjoyment, and I just kept looking forward to when it would end.

From the first book Gray finds out he is a powerful Precog, you can my review for Three of Swords to get an idea and how it all started. The second books picked up right where the first was left and I was looking forward to it. Gray and Cooper find the key left by Graham (Gray’s grandfather) and it’s a key to open a safety deposit box. They are both surprised by box’s content and deliriously happy cus they were left a ton a cash. The box also contains some super priceless Tarot Cards, and an unspeakable amount of mystery.

The story then picks up when the money goes missing on their houseboat when nobody knew they even had it. Then count in the arrival of Gray’s cousin Harper, and this is where the story started to lose me. All these things happening and none of it really made sense. The money, the trip to New York, it just all felt ludicrous.

I was so greatly looking forward to reading this and it just felt like a whole bunch of scenes and words got thrown together. It lacked the chemistry between Gray/Cooper that the first book had. The plot and story surrounding Gray’s gifts needed to be tighter, and all the mysterious intrigue is starting to feel contrived.

Should You Read It? I don’t know… I really enjoyed the first book but this turned out to be a disappointing read for me. I will continue reading the series, if only to see if the magic of the first book returns.

3 Pants Off

Review: Book #1 Three of Swords

Guest Post: Writing A Trans* Woman for "Milk & Cookies & Handcuffs" by Kathleen Tudor

My first ever trans* story was written for a call for submissions for Storm Moon Press, for a trans* anthology that never got produced. (Although my story will be released as a single, if I can ever get around to finishing the epilogue! Argh!) I wrote it because it was a challenge for me, since I knew very little about being trans* and what that means or entails for those who identify in that way. It was something that I wanted to get right, and to treat respectfully and emotionally, so it required a lot of talking to people, reading blogs, and empathizing.

And oh, my, did I learn a lot! I came to feel that I was beginning to truly understand and empathize with trans* people (and trans-women in particular), and only then was I able to write the story about a trans girl who has to come out of the closet to confess her love for the boy she's been friends with for ages.

It was an exciting challenge, but it was certainly a challenge, and I was pretty sure that it was the only trans* story I was ever going to write. After all, it wasn't really in my range of personal experience, and it still didn't quite fall within my comfort zone.

So, imagine my surprise when I saw the call for kinky Christmas stories for Milk & Cookies & Handcuffs, and a trans* story popped into my head, fully fleshed, like the birth of Athena. No! I thought. I don't know what I'm doing! I'll write something else!

But the idea for this story between Jeff and Athena (who I named as a nod to the way my idea was formed), would not leave me alone. How could I walk away without telling the whole world about Athena, the kick-ass woman who lovingly dominates her house boy, Jeff, and Jeff's dawning realization that he is, well, really more of a she, when it comes down to it.

Jeff—who starts to call herself Jessie—and Athena have a lot to deal with. Their relationship has been stable and happy for years, and Athena feels like Jeff/Jessie is throwing a wrench into what has been comfortable and familiar for a long time. For one thing, if Jeff/Jessie is a woman inside, where does that leave the heterosexual Athena?

Jessie was a really fascinating character for me to explore. She is a woman who has hidden, even from herself, the truth of her nature for a very long time. This is rather near and dear to me, since I didn't realize I was a lesbian until over halfway through my twenties.

But Jessie isn't just coming to terms with being a lesbian.

For as long as she can remember, Jessie has been a masochist who cherished pain, particularly to her cock and balls, a region she felt deserving of pain and punishment. Though she thought of them as disgusting and unworthy, it took years and a flash of insight before she realized why she had such a love/hate relationship with the body-parts she loved to torture: they were foreign to her inner image of her woman's body.

Let me tell you, it took a lot of work to feel like I was getting Jessie right. I didn't want to imply that every CBT lover is trans*. I didn't want to imply that Jessie was just self-hating. (She's not!) I didn't want to imply that she was deranged or disturbed. And, when Jessie told me that she didn't want to go through with sex reassignment surgery, I didn't want to portray her as any less female or any less trans*.

Jessie is a woman, a masochist, and a slave. She loves her cock because her Mistress loves it, because it hurts so good, and because it tickles at emotional masochism. She hates it because it doesn't really, truly belong to her. And having it doesn't make her any less a woman than wearing a strap-on and pegging your boyfriend does.

Jessie's story felt both inspiring and terrifying to me. It was a tight-rope walk over some very deep waters, and I hope very much that I have managed to make the crossing and to do honor to the trans* community with my words.

And, of course, I hope you read her story one-handed.

Kathleen Tudor (aka D.K. Jernigan) is a writer, and editor who sometimes walks on the wild side. Her work has appeared in Best Bondage 2012 from Cleis Press, Hot Under the Collar from Xcite Press, and many other anthologies. She is also co-editor of the Circlet Press anthology, Like Hearts Enchanted, with more forthcoming in 2013. Her novella, Hearts of the Hunted is available now through Storm Moon Press, along with "Gift of Self" in the Milk & Cookies & Handcuffs anthology. She can be found via e-mail at PolyKathleen@gmail.com or by visiting her website, KathleenTudor.com.

Review: A Gentleman's Agreement by J. Roman

Reviewed by Fehu
A Gentleman's Agreement (Evergreen) by J. Roman
Dreamspinner Press
Novella: 100pgs
3 Pants Off

Blurb:
Thomas Derrik is about to have the worst Christmas of his life. Three days before the holiday, he finds out the father he doesn’t get along with is arriving on Christmas Eve, his ex-lover and new brother-in-law will be staying at his estate until the New Year, and his beloved brother, Edmund, has died.

Luckily, Edmund’s last holiday scheme may well save Thomas’s Christmas: Henry Appleby, a young lord fresh from the Continent, has arranged to court Thomas. But the family tragedy and jealous exes may put an end to the romance before it begins.



Review:
A Christmas story, which begins with the news of a brother’s death, is certainly unusual. Thomas is the next in line to inherit the title from his father the Marquees and so it is expected that he shall marry and produce an heir. His brother knew of his inclination to men and about his disastrous relationship with his childhood friend George Darrow, who ended up cheating on Thomas and then to add insult to injury married Thomas’s sister.

Thomas holiday outlook is bleak, considering he will have a brother to bury and to watch his sister with his ex-lover, the whole time. As a last wish of his brother, Thomas meets with Henry and his sister, whom he should marry according to his father per his brother’s last request.  And that’s not all. It’s Henry who would become Thomas’s companion and strangely enough for a historical romance, the father is in agreement with this.

It’s a Christmas story, so I will discount my disbelief and doubt about historical correctness, since a bigger surprise is awaiting us!

Henry is courting Thomas favour because he is; I quote “A fine specimen of manhood.” Moreover, Henry couldn't help but fall for him within days if not hours. Christmas is by the way just a setting it’s not really worked into the story, with some celebration. There is however, a Christmas miracle and the moment I thought this all turned paranormal.

It’s not the ghost of Christmas past, who makes an appearance on Christmas Eve, but the husband of his dead or in this case not so dead brother Ed, who pays them a visit and brings the good news that Thomas’s brother is alive. He also tells a fascinating story about his father owing his live to Edward and to repay this he takes him with him to his home (somewhere in Russia),  where Edward marries the youngest son.  Again historical correctness flies out of the window and I just told myself, its fiction.

The former mention ex-lover also has a role to play, as he tries to win Thomas back, while having a child with the sister and is unhappy about Henry and his interest in Thomas.

Reading the story I wanted to say and now once more with feeling! All happens very fast and the surprising reappearance of the brother married to another man was a bit too much for my taste, because only the two sisters and the father appear to be not gay in this historical novella.

Should You Read It? Well, if one likes historical stories (I’m picky) and doesn’t mind instant love in a gay world (even the valet is gay and in love with Edward!), doesn’t really mind a bit of surreal, this would work. There are some sweet moments and the characters aren’t bad, I didn’t connect with them but some might like them and if one needs a dose of sugar with drama, this book is the perfect pick; it really depends on the mood. Oh and you should really go into the story with the mindset it’s fiction, so leave all sense of reality and probability outside, those who enter! And thus lays the entertainment of this story.

3 Pants Off

Review: Acceleration by Amelia C. Gormley

Acceleration (Impulse #2) by Amelia Gormley
Self-Published
Novel
4.5 Pants Off

Blurb:
GAINING MOMENTUM

Gavin Hayes is everything Derrick could ask for in a lover. Gorgeous. Passionate. Great in bed. Derrick finds it very easy to just let himself go, to let Gavin guide him and teach him all the things he missed during a decade of celibacy. In the course of a single weekend, Derrick’s routine is transformed, his mornings and evenings filled with sex. Sweet, seductive, wild, or raunchy, Gavin offers Derrick all the pleasure he’s denied himself for so long.

But learning how to be a lover in bed is one thing. Learning to be one out of bed is another. For Derrick, being alone has become habit. Sharing his confidences doesn’t come nearly as readily as sharing his bed. After so many losses, the last thing Derrick wants is to become dependent upon another person who might not always be there.

And Gavin always being there is far from certain. With an ex-lover lurking in the background, and the question of Gavin’s future health still outstanding, neither Gavin nor Derrick feel capable of asking for anything more than right now. But Gavin won’t be kept on the fringes of Derrick’s life. Can Derrick let someone in before the opportunity passes him by?

Review:
I am blown away! Where I found the first book in the series goodish, this one was excellent. I did not want it to end, and Gavin and Derrick are INTENSE. I am excited for the next book and man am I impatiently waiting.

 In Impulse book 1, contractor/handyman Derrick meets Gavin whom he finds very attractive. After spending many years celibate and alone, his attraction is both exciting and terrifying. Plus, Gavin is coming on strong and Derrick was finding it hard to resist to him. Then Gavin drops a bomb that blew up their fledgling relationship before it even got started.

Both men are dealing with past hurts, and this terrifying reluctance to trust each other. Gavin's previous relationship has left him emotionally and quite possibly physically damaged. Derrick’s fear of being abandoned has him keeping Gavin at arms length (giving but never quite giving all). He hides things that affect them both, and he is wary of the day that Gavin will up and leave him. Which is interesting, based that Gavin might be seriously ill and Derrick has this past of caring for ailing people.

The men do this tango of sex and apprehension, and man was it beautiful to read. I really liked Derrick, his fears were sound and I felt like sometimes he was backed into a corner. They were moving at a speed that just felt too fast, for where their relationship was at. It's only been a few months and expectations seemed excessively high, and sometimes both were asking for too much.

I thought there would have been more angst (doom and gloom) but I found it very sweet, and of course sexay as hell. This was hot, hot and Gavin delivered his superior Dom like a boss. I was both impressed and excited in my pants by the amount of awesomeness. It’s as if the author planed to unleash all the sexy in book two "I will wait and then I will kill them with utmost exceptional ass eating scenes ever written". I really believe that was the plan :D

The writing is superb, the care that went into it, is in every chapter on every page. For a self-pub, it really can't get any better than this (it really can't). Acceleration is definitely going on my fave list of 2012; it was a wonderful surprise in awesmazing. Also, that freaking cover *squee* EXCELLENT!

Should You Read It? Yes, yes, and more yes. Blew me out of the water because I was expecting to like it, not love it. Worth taking a chance on. I am eagerly awaiting the third book in the series; Derrick and Gavin have captured my heart and have caused some mega pants losing.

4.5 Pants Off

Review: Book #1 Impulse

Review: Fifteen Shades of Gay (For Pay) by T. Baggins

Fifteen Shades of Gay (For Pay) by T.Baggins
Voodoo Lilly Press
Novel: 258pgs
4.5 Pants Off

Blurb:

MONEY…

Andrew Reynolds is determined to stay in New York City as long as his sister Marie, a cancer patient, needs him. But despite his good looks and talent, Andrew hasn’t managed to find work as an actor. With his bank account empty and his credit cards maxed, Andrew needs money fast. Gay escorts make a nice living, but there’s one problem—Andrew isn’t gay.

SEX…

Ever since his early teens, when Andrew’s father shocked everyone by coming out, Andrew has been uncomfortable around gay men. Pretending to be gay will be the role of a lifetime. From male/male dates to erotic toys, spankings and more extreme play, Andrew must satisfy his clients without revealing his usual tastes.

… AND ROMANCE

Andrew’s first date with closeted politician Cormac Donovan ends in disaster. Yet with each successive booking, the attraction between them grows. As Andrew struggles with unexpected new feelings, Cormac puts his senatorial career in danger. And what began as a way for Andrew to earn money becomes a one-way ticket to heartbreak—or lasting love.

Review:

Me: "Not another damn title with fifteen and freaking shades in it" *bleh* but the fact that the author wrote two favourites books of mine (before the name change) I definitely had to read it, ridiculous title or not.

Andrew Reynolds is a struggling actor, worried about how he's going to pay the rent and get food to eat. He could move back home, but his sister is in New York and living with cancer and he's determined to stay by her side and help. The medicals bills are piling up, but he's gotta grin and bare in hopes that something awesome and good paying will come along. What he never expected was to become gay for pay, as an escort he will have to wine and dine with men (the thought nauseates him but the pay will be good) Hopefully he doesn't blow his cover and gets the boot because of an unsatisfied customer.

Andrew already has history with gay men, one being his father and his father's partner of many years. The break-up of his family left him shock, hurt, and is the very reason he fears gay men. So being gay for money will be a true test. When he meets his first client Cormac, the night goes by pleasantly and Andrew finds that he enjoys Cormac's company. Suddenly he's drunk and spilling all his secrets and the men form a friendship, they never expected. 

Omo, this book went places I didn't expect it to. I expected that Andrew would fall for Cormac and dive into the pleasures of gay love. While he does fall for Cormac, Andrew's first sexual gay experience comes from elsewhere (which I completely hated and found sort of pointless in the long run). He was so dead set against this "gay thing" but then he just sort of fell into it. I wanted him to have a meaningful first time but in the end, it felt meaningless for me. Then suddenly he's a teacher of all things gay, which is a gigantic leap from how he was in the beginning. Would have bought it if there was a better transition.

Even with all the things I did not like, I enjoyed Andrew's adventures, his relationship with his sister was written wonderfully, and his developing relationship with Cormac was enjoyable to read. I am very glad the book didn't go the way I expected it to, which is what I have come to love by this author, she's never afraid to push it.

There is an HEA and I was very happy with it. I loathed most of Andrew's choices but in an odd way, I understand them. Loved the role Cormac's career played (made for some interesting situations) and he turned out to be a surprise. Overall, it was awesome and I gobbled it up fast.

Should You Read It? For one don't let the cheesy title put you off, and get ready to dive into an excellent read. Be prepared for the unexpected and to get a bit teary eyed. Though I did have moments of "fuck this shit", it's those moments that made me love it more. It’s a winner!

4.5 Pants Off

Review: Flesh Cartel: Auction by Heidi Belleau & Rachel Haimowitz

The Flesh Cartel: Auction by Heidi Belleau & Rachel Haimowitz
Riptide Publishing
Short Story: 60pgs
4.5 Pants Off

Blurb:
In episode two of The Flesh Cartel, the dark purpose behind Mat and Dougie Carmichael’s abduction is revealed. Though Dougie is protected from the worst of the guards’ brutality, he’s disgusted to find himself halfway to broken—despairing of escape and terrified of pain. Mat holds onto hope despite repeated rapes and beatings, but threats toward his brother teach him well to lay aside his pride and pick his battles carefully.

Worn down by days of unrelenting fear and abuse, Mat and Dougie are packaged and marketed with the same ruthless efficiency as any consumer product: Dougie the prettyboy twink, Mat the rabid pit bull. They are led to the auction block as the showpiece of the house’s collection.

Mat would rather be beaten to death than play the role of obedient slave for sale, but Dougie, desperate not to be separated from his brother, strikes a deal with the pitiless Madame who runs the auction house and controls both their fates. It might just be enough to keep them together—slaves, but together—assuming Mat even wants to be after Dougie fulfills his end of his deal with the devil.

(Publisher's note: This title contains material some may find objectionable or trigger-inducing, including explicit violence, non-consent, and forced incest.)

Review:
I don't even have the words, no freaking words. The second instalment in this explosive serial is just as gut wrenching, heartbreaking, and brilliant just like the first (probably even more so).

Auction is the continuation of where Captured left us, with Dougie and Mal processed and placed in the facility. There status as a human being completely stripped from them, raped and abused their future seems uncertain. You would think finally being placed the abuse would stop, but each day they are meant to suffer and treated no better than animals. Mal is slowly losing his will to fight back, because what is the point; he still has to listen to them torture and rape his little brother. All he can do is scream his throat raw but it never stops it never ends. Dougie thinks of himself as weak, because he never fights back and takes it like the good little hole they call him. If only he was as strong as his brother, if only....

Seriously, this book was just so heart wrenching and excellently written.  Slowly all is being revealed, and we get a closer look into how this slave facility works and how they pick their targets. Plus, all the mind fuck that goes on there. They are able to utilize the brothers and bend them to their will so they can get the best possible amount of money for them when they go up for auction. Dougie the pretty, obedient one and Mat the ruthless thug built like a fighter. Apart they could probably fetch a decent amount of money, but together "cha ching!"

As much as I love this series, I am having a problem with this slave business. If I were a client on this creepy elusive list I would want nothing from these guys no matter how pretty the merchandise. I don't do used goods, and man do these guys get used. I just don't understand, this clientele is willing to spend so much and yet they don't care that even the guards has been all up in it (unless they do not know).

This brings me to the people who work at the facility. I'm just wondering if they picked them up on the highway to hell. How can people be so abusive (were they already like that or did the perks of the job look so pretty they couldn't resist that downward spiral to bastardry). Like that, Stanford experiment back in 71 where regular guys went bat shit crazy after being given a bit of power. Yes, these guards fascinate me cause of their evilness.

This read was once again an emotional roller-coaster for me. So much brutality that never lets up. Just when I thought there would be a little breather for the boys, shit goes awry and becomes worse. What they have to see done to each other, what they have to do to each other makes cringe. Yet, they still manage to hold on to some semblance of themselves. Auction ends on a high gripping scene that has me anticipating Season 2 (gawww) Psychosexual indeed!

Should You Read It? If you loved the first, then it’s a guarantee you will love this one. Lots of info is slowly unfolding, the characters are interesting, and the story gripping. Heidi & Rachel deliver some excellent writing with nothing spared for those with delicate sensibilities. I am both thrilled and horrified about what will happen next. The reader gets to know Nicholai a bit better and I am anticipating if I am going to like him or completely hate his guts. Awesomely written, explosively tragic, and I just can't get enough.

SideNote- I pray for the day when someone will put an explosive in the Madame's mouth and watch her head explode (oh beautiful day will you ever come true!)

4.5 Pants Off

Review: The Flesh Cartel: #1 Capture

Guest Post: Reality vs. Fantasy by Cornelia Grey

When I was a kid, my dad taught me to love motorcycles. I remember the day when, after much cajoling, I finally got on his white Honda and we took a painstakingly slow tour of the town. After that, I was sold. As soon as the weather got warm, we'd take the bike out of the garage and wander aimlessly around the hills. I remember all the ones he changed: the wine-red Guzzi Nevada, the black V11, the motocross bike he never managed to kickstart, the yellow Honda CBR. We fantasized about the endless roadtrips we saw in American movies; we watched Easy Rider and sang "Born to be Wild". We filled a sticker album of vintage motorcycles.

And then, one warm, late-May afternoon, he got out the bike for the first time that year and came to pick me up from high school. Then, he went for a ride alone, since I wanted to get ready for a concert instead, and was tragically killed by a careless driver.

One would imagine that, from then on, I was consumed by a burning hatred for bikes, but it is more complicated than that. My feelings toward motorbikes split into two very distinct branches. On the one hand, I am afraid of them. I haven't gotten on a bike since, I don't plan on doing it anytime soon, and I would have a panic attack if my boyfriend – who loves motorbikes, too, and used to ride a lot in his early twenties – ever got back on the saddle.

But, on the other hand, I still love them, and love all the happy flights of fancy that brought me and my dad close. I love the road trips, the hot, leather-clad lone bikers. I love the powerful, beautiful object that is a bike. I could, and surely will at some point, write a kinky story about a character who finds the powerful engine and sleek lines of a bike endlessly exciting – and proceeds to jump the bones of the hot biker. In short, I still love the idea of bikes, the fantasies connected to bikes; I still love loving them, because those fantasies made me happy, and I don't want to give them up. Even though I am painfully aware of the dangers bikes bring in reality and am utterly terrified of them.

This lengthy example is to try and explain how it's possible that, even though I am terrified of real guns, I can find fictional ones beautiful and exciting. It is quite strange, after all: I live in a country where, luckily, guns aren't popular, and I would hate to have guns around my house, or to know that most of my neighbors have one. It would make me feel like I was living in a violent reality, a dangerous, oppressive world. Far from finding it reassuring, I would be terrified. And yet, I am currently on my second gun-kink story, and chances are it won't be the last. What's the deal with that? Do I have a split personality? How can someone who hates violence find beauty in an instrument that's been built with the sole purpose of killing, and which makes it frighteningly easy for anyone to do so?

The point is still the same it was for the bike: that the fictional world is an intrinsically safe space. It's a space where I decide what happens, where there are no accidents and no risks. It's a space where my characters can be excited by the thrill of having a loaded gun aimed at them, because since I am shaping their reality as I write, I know there will be no accidents. I would never, in a million years, let anyone aim a loaded gun at me, and I sure as heck wouldn't be aroused by it: because reality is very much different. Unpredictable. Uncontrollable. And very, very dangerous. And while my characters can afford to be turned on by extreme, dangerous situations – hey, it's easy for them; nothing unexpected can happen in that fictional world! – I wouldn't even think of it.

Another instance. Benjamin Pepperwhistle and the Fantabulous Circus of Wonders, part of Storm Moon Press' Weight of a Gun II anthology, is set in a circus, and there are two animals there: Hugo the lion and Mr. Elephant. They are left free to roam and considered like any other sentient performer. They perform of their own free will, doing whatever they want. Hugo likes to sleep under the table when the troupe eats and Mr. Elephant collects top hats and monocles. That's simple, and easy, and lighthearted: it's a nice fantasy. But we all know that reality is much more grim and tragic, that animals are cruelly exploited and mistreated. In my country, politicians are legislating to ban circuses from exploiting animals in their shows, and I fully support them. Again – why the contradiction? Because the lighthearted fairytale crafted in the ring, the one about a circus being a place of effortless happiness and wonder, is one I can only believe in fiction: I'm aware that, in reality, it's a cruel lie.

But there is a clear, thick, red line dividing reality from fantasy. No, it's not a line; it's a crater, an ocean. The danger comes when people seem to lose sight of that line. We often hear of accidents that occurred because people seemed to believe they were living in a movie, and that they could act accordingly. Fiction grants us the possibility to create an alternative reality, where the rules are different. And while sometimes that change is for the worse, often things take an idealistic approach. Often, as writers and as readers, we just want to escape to a place where things are simpler than in reality; we want a world without complexities, a world that's simple and easy, a world where the good guys always win, and characters seem to have no inconvenient bodily functions, and motorbikes are fun and adventurous and never kill fathers, and guns are powerful and sexy and aren't killing anyone.

I know I am especially fond of that world: that's why I favor slightly surreal, humorous settings in lieu of a darker social realism: I need the relief. But the relief must always be temporary. We can't get lost in that imaginary world, as tempting as it might be. Because we must always get back to reality at some point, and never forget that reality is very, very different.

 Cornelia Grey has interests varying from painting to photography, from sewing to acting. When writing, she favors curious, surreal poems and short stories involving handsome young men seducing each other. She loves collecting people's stories and re-discovering lost tales that deserve to be told. Her latest short story, "Benjamin Pepperwhistle and the Fantabulous Circus of Wonders" can be found in Storm Moon Press' Weight of a Gun II anthology. Cornelia can be found on Twitter @corneliagrey and on her blog.

Excerpt & Giveaway: Sinner's Gin by Rhys Ford

Sinner's Gin by Rhys Ford
Blurb:
There’s a dead man in Miki St. John’s vintage Pontiac GTO, and he has no idea how it got there.

After Miki survives the tragic accident that killed his best friend and the other members of their band, Sinner’s Gin, all he wants is to hide from the world in the refurbished warehouse he bought before their last tour. But when the man who sexually abused him as a boy is killed and his remains are dumped in Miki’s car, Miki fears Death isn’t done with him yet.

Kane Morgan, the SFPD inspector renting space in the art co-op next door, initially suspects Miki had a hand in the man’s murder, but Kane soon realizes Miki is as much a victim as the man splattered inside the GTO. As the murderer’s body count rises, the attraction between Miki and Kane heats up. Neither man knows if they can make a relationship work, but despite Miki’s emotional damage, Kane is determined to teach him how to love and be loved — provided, of course, Kane can catch the killer before Miki becomes the murderer’s final victim.

Excerpt

The cold never left his bones, or at least that’s what Miki felt like. Long, thick curtains and double-paned windows took the chill off of the San Francisco air, but the fire he finally coaxed to life in the narrow fireplace barely seemed to generate enough heat to warm its own hearth, much less the enormous open living space. Even with the central heating turned up to a comfortable seventy-two, the shuddering roils of cold rocked him with every other breath.

His knee throbbed with the fire of a thousand suns, but the memory of the infuriated man on his doorstep a couple of days ago burned Miki more. A tingle resonated in his cock when he thought about the man’s deep blue eyes, and the reaction startled him. His dick hadn’t shown an interest in anything or anyone since the accident. He wasn’t hard, not by a long shot, but the awareness was definitely there.

“Great, now I’m getting a kink for someone who wants to beat me,” he muttered, his voice rough with disgust. There’d been no lingering appraisal in the man’s eyes, only fury and then a dash of pity. Pity was the last thing Miki wanted or needed. “Like I can’t do that to myself. Fuck him.”

Curled up on the couch he’d brought from the apartment he’d shared with Damien, Miki drew a thick quilt around his shoulders, tucking the ends in under him. The flames lulled him, and he stared into the flickering heat, his mind drifting from the too-chilled warehouse and the echoes of his thoughts. He didn’t feel like gaming, even though he’d turned on the large-screen TV and the game systems. Food was out. His stomach rebelled at the mere suggestion of heading to the kitchen.

Miki caught a fragile tune wrapping through his thoughts and reached a notebook from the pile he kept on the coffee table. Too focused on the page, he almost jumped out of his skin when a chirruping scared the hell out of him. Floundering to free himself from the quilt, Miki nearly knocked himself off the battered couch before realizing it was his phone.

The handset rang again, chittering across the flat storage container he used as a coffee table. He knew the number flashing across the phone’s display, and for a long moment, he debated letting the call to go the voice mail he never listened to.

“Hello, Edie,” Miki said softly into the phone.

“Hey, kiddo.” She exhaled breathily, and Miki wondered if she’d just let go a sigh of relief or if she’d taken up smoking again. “I’m glad you picked up.”

“You’d just keep calling back until I did.”

“You know me so well, Miki dear.”

He did know her and hated that she knew him as well as she did. Grabbing his coffee cup, Miki ruefully discovered it’d gone cold. Disappointed, he set it back down and cradled the phone against his shoulder. The sofa cushions dipped as the dog jumped up and settled down next to him. A spit-damp tennis ball rolled from the dog’s mouth, and he snuggled down into the quilt, twisting until he lay on his back with his feet in the air.

“What do you want, Edie?” The dog gave off some heat, and he shifted, sliding his feet under the mutt’s body.

He knew why she called. The business end of Sinner’s Gin still needed tending to, and she’d held those reins before the accident. It made sense for her to continue managing the group, even if Miki was all that was left. Back then Edie dealt mainly with Damien, but now she was stuck with the band’s gutter-raised singer. Every week the phone rang, urging him to pick up some of the pieces of his former life. Often he’d let it go unanswered, ignoring the outside world for another seven days.

“I wanted to see how you—”

“What do you need, Edie?” Miki said through gritted teeth.

The woman didn’t understand how her voice reminded him of the long weeks he spent on the road, complaining about the bad food, weather, and their bus drivers’ aversion to bathing. She shadowed them through the ups and downs, either soothing their nerves or pushing them past their fears. The others griped constantly as they dragged themselves and their equipment from city to city, but Miki had never felt more alive.

Living in each others’ pockets strained their tempers at times, but they became tighter as a whole. He agonized over the loss of Damien’s bossiness or Johnny’s cocky, swaggering boasts of his hookups from the night before. Miki longed for a few more minutes of Dave’s quiet faith as he murmured thanks to some god before they hit the stage.

Hearing Edie made him miss them all the more, and his heart couldn’t take any more breaks in its already fragile shell.

---

Giveaway

Dear Pants Off Readers:

Here's an excerpt. Leave a comment and we'll choose one of you for Rhys to breathe on and spread this damned flu. KTHXBAI! :D  

• Must be 18yrs or older
• Leave a comment with email
• Winner has 48hrs to reply to my email
• Contest runs until December 29th 11:59pm EST

What's Happening This Week!

Howdy, my wonderful readers. Hope you had a fab week and got all your holiday shopping done, cus if not, it's gonna be a jungle out there. I am all done (thank the high heavens) and now it is time for the dreaded task of wrapping. I don't like it and you can't make me!

Since it's the holidays there will be no reviews for Monday & Tuesday but there will be a giveaway (and you can always come back to enter) POR picks up full review schedule for Wednesday and it will be an awesome line up of reviews.

I hope you guys enjoyed my Christmas Week and you can still check out all the wonderful posts.

~Be sure to check out Blaine D. Arden's short surprise and win a book too~

Here's what's causing a pants losing this week...

Reviews:
Flesh Cartel: Auction by Heidi Belleau & Rachel Haimowitz
Fifteen Shades of Gay (For Pay) by T. Baggins
Acceleration (Impulse #2) by Amelia Gormley
A Gentleman's Agreement by J. Roman (Fehu)
Knight of Wands by Theo Fenraven
Lesson Learned, Wishes Earned by Cassandra Gold (Fehu)

Guest Posts & Giveaways
Excerpt & Giveaway (Rhys Ford)
Weight of A Gun Blog Tour
Milk & Cookies and Handcuffs (Blog Tour)



~ Have a safe and happy holidays, eat lots and have good time. ~

Merry Christmas!

Oren's Right Solstice Vignette & Giveaway by Blaine D. Arden

~I am so happy that Blaine took the time write a little something about Oren and Veld from Oren's Right, a short story that was apart of The Carved In Flesh anthology. She also brought a giveaway, which is really sharing the holiday spirit. So if you loved Oren & Veld, then you will love this short.~

Oren's Right Solstice Vignette by Blaine D. Arden

It was quiet when I entered Oren's dwelling—our dwelling. The only thing that betrayed Oren's presence was the slight hint of cinnamon coming from the kitchen. Oren started taking some buns home for breakfast the moment I moved in with him. He'd have them warmed up and shining with butter every single morning, kneeling next to the bed as he waited for me to wake up. Unless I slept in. Then they'd be sitting on a tray that was spelled to keep the buns warm.

I hung my cloak on a peg in the hall and toed off my muddy boots before walking into the kitchen, but Oren wasn't there. My heart sped up, and I crossed the kitchen in no time, stopping in the archway to the living room. Oren kneeling next to my chair—one of the few of my possessions that I'd brought with me when I moved in—warmed my heart and made me smile. How could it not? The way he sat as he waited for me to arrive—heels pressing into his firm buttocks, the artwork on his back on display, his visibly relaxed bearing—was exquisite. It never ceased to amaze me how gorgeously at ease Oren looked when he was waiting for orders... from me.

He must have heard me, but he didn't turn his head or acknowledge my presence, not until I sat down. Of course, I couldn't pass up an opportunity to ruffle his messy curls, knowing it would make him smile. That, and I loved the feel of them between my fingers, silky and ticklish. Oren was holding a mug—spelled warm, judging from the steam rising from it—and lifted it up as I settled into my chair.

"Thank you," I said, wincing as my voice broke the gentle quiet. But Oren just smiled, his sky blue eyes brimming with joy, and sat back on his heels. Taking in the smell of the strong, dark, rogge tea, I blew across the mug to cool it a bit and enjoyed the view.

As usual, I was drawn to the design just above Oren's heart—my design—right next to Haram's. I'd kept it small so as not to diminish the significance of Haram's brand—his name in the ancient script of the first tree-elves. Mine showed two leaves, like the ones on my thigh, portraying the letter V with a heart set in between them and a small O at the bottom of the V. The leaves symbolized the Chantus tree, the oldest and biggest tree in the village I was born in. Tending a tree as old as our Chantus was an honor amongst Foresters.

That design had been the first I'd offered Oren the day after his mourning period ended. Merely thinking of Oren's reactions, Oren's craving and obvious enjoyment as I cut it into him, still made me smile. Even though I'd added two more since then, I'd never forget that first one. Taking Oren afterwards had been the sweetest moment of my life.

The recollection of how he'd looked, bound to the kitchen table, made me lower my gaze to Oren's cock flaccidly nestled on top of his heavy balls and hanging freely in the position he was in. It was always soft when Oren was serving me, soft and relaxed. Though seeing Oren like this never failed to arouse me, for Oren there was nothing sexual about serving me. His subservience was part of who he was and brought him a different kind of satisfaction. I reminded myself every day what a privilege it was to see him like this.

I finished my tea and lowered the mug. Oren immediately grabbed it before rising elegantly and taking it into the kitchen. He didn't return immediately, and I leaned my head back to rest my eyes for a moment. My last tree today had been a particularly stubborn one. Soon, wonderful smells wafted into the room—basil, parulm bark, tomatoes. My stomach grumbled.
A hand on my knees made me open my eyes.

«Dinner's ready in an hour,» Oren signed before kneeling beside my chair once again.

He grabbed my favorite book from the low table next to him and presented it to me. I smiled as I took and opened it where I'd left off, but didn't start reading right away. I wanted to enjoy the view in front of me a bit longer. Not too long, because an hour until dinner meant an hour of growing unbearably hard unless I distracted myself by reading. To Oren, it meant an hour of tranquility; an hour of sitting beside me, my hand in his hair, obeying my every command.

In the beginning, I made the mistake of leaving him kneeling next to me without giving him something to do. He already took care of all the household chores. That would be enough, wouldn't it?

It wasn't. I'd woken up one night without Oren plastered against me, and he rarely woke up once he slept. I'd found him in the kitchen, mindlessly kneading dough that he'd left to rise when we'd gone to bed. He'd turned around when I asked him to come back to bed, shoulders slumped and looking at his hands rather than at me. I'd barely opened my mouth to ask what was wrong when he'd raised his hands and fixed his gaze on me. His hands had fluttered too fast for me to understand what exactly he was saying. It didn't really matter. His slumped shoulders, the way his hands moved, even without the words, I'd understood him perfectly. In the six moons since, I'd learned to save up all sorts of tasks for him, tasks I'd never before thought to leave for someone else to do.

So, while I read, Oren cleaned my boots, brought me water, mended a tunic or two, and answered a letter from my sisters—Oren's handwriting was so much neater than mine, not to mention that my sisters liked the little anecdotes he added to the letters—and all while he was kneeling next to my chair with my hand tangled in his curls.

By the time Oren finished the letter, the hour was almost up, and he rose, elegantly as ever, and trod off to the kitchen to put on a tunic and set the table. I looked up from my book to admire his gorgeous body as he walked away, suppressing the urge to adjust my cock in my trousers. Oren knew how he affected me, of course he did, but no matter what, I'd have to wait until after our meal. A meal on the night of the winter Solstice to celebrate our vows and honor those who attended the Circle tonight, like Oren's sister, Ajuna.

With a sigh, I focused my attention back to my book and finished the chapter I'd been attempting to read. As I closed the book and waited for Oren to come fetch me, my mind drifted to things to come.

 Oren's Right is part of the Storm Moon Press Anthology Carved in Flesh
~~~~~~

Blaine is a purple haired, forty-something, writer of gay romance with a love of men, music, mystery, magic, fairies, platform shoes, and the colours black, purple, and red, who sings her way through life. Blaine can be found on blainedarden.com, twitter, facebook, and goodreads. Blaine's books are available at Storm Moon Press, Amazon, and Are

---

Giveaway
Blaine is offering one book from her backlist (your choice in format)

• Must be 18yrs or older
• Leave a comment along with email
• winner has 48hrs to reply to me email or another winner gets chosen
• Contest runs until December 27th 11:59pm EST

2012 Book Wrap-Up: Buggy's Favourites

~ Buggy realized she didn't read nearly enough M/M books in 2012 and has planned to remedy it in 2013. We will be holding her to it.~

Fave Reads 2012/Loved the crap out of

Sidecar by Amy Lane
Chase In Shadow by Amy Lane










Fave Butt Virgin or Overall Virgins
Promises by Marie Sexton
Fire On The Mountain by P.D Singer



Fave Young Guys gets Poked by Older Dude (10yr Age Difference or More)
Sidecar by Amy Lane



Fave Crime-Mystery

The Blue Paradise by Theo Fenraven
The Island by Lisa Henry











Fave Series (with a new book this year)
Faith & Fidelity by Tere Michaels

Review: Bianca's Plan by B.G. Thomas

Bianca's Plan (Evergreen) by B.G Thomas
Dreamspinner Press
Short Story: 91pgs
4 Pants Off

Blurb:
Bianca worries that her daddy, Gavin, is lonely and decides he needs a boyfriend for Christmas. So she enlists her father's best friend, the straight and unattached Curtis. Gavin has a Christmas wish, too, and Curtis setting him up on disastrous dates isn't part of it! Meanwhile, Curtis finds life becoming complicated as he tries to please Bianca, make Gavin happy, and fend off his own unexpected mixed feelings. Will anyone's wish come true?






Review:
Bianca has a plan, and she knows she can pull it off with the help of her fathers’ best friend, Curtis. It’s the holidays and she feels her dad Gavin is lonely so she wants to set him up on a few dates (In hopes he will find that perfect someone). At first Curtis wants nothing to do with the plan but when faced with the reality of what he might be feeling and what Gavin feels for him. Suddenly he's gung-ho, in getting him a boyfriend and in the meantime proving he feels nothing for a man.

Gavin just wants to be home with his little family for Thanksgiving but working gets in the way, and god knows he needs the job. With a daughter to take care of and bills to pay, he is willing to suffer with his moneygrubber boss if only for a few hours. Well, thanks to the weather he gets to head home early and be with the people he loves the most and that includes his best-friend Curtis. Even though what he feels for Curt might be a little more than friendly love, he's content with how things are and wouldn't change them for the world.

Suddenly, he finds himself going on horrible dates with a know it all florist, the dad who doesn't mind a hook-up when his kids are in the house, and the young looking twink who calls himself Blue (and talks just a little too much about things no one really cares to know about). It might be time to confront the partners in crime and let them know, he's in no rush to find a boyfriend and he has all he needs for the holidays.

That Bianca is an evil genius, I was on to her plan from the very beginning. I love reading about smart outspoken kids in books, it makes me smile because yes, kids can be all adult like when they want. The dates that Gavin went on provided the book with a light kind of entertainment, both hilarious and realistic. Moreover, it felt so universal, like if you had a bad date, they would probably fall under the three: the know it all, the pervert just looking for a hook-up, and the just a pretty face.

I was both annoyed and frustrated by Gavin's feelings emerging (I was like dude, stop freaking fighting it). Plus, he came out with style and at an office party. Office parties are where the good shit goes down. Overall, I enjoyed Bianca, Gavin, and Curtis. They made me smile a lot.

Should You Read It? Yeppers, it was just super cute and so entertaining. My first time reading B.G Thomas and it won't be my last. Another great addition to the DSP holiday stories.

4 Pants Off

Guest Post: For Getting Pants Off by Kris

~I feel truly honoured to have Kris doing a guest post, and man did I have to beg. Which she so kindly points out in the post (Can't even keep my begging secret). Give her warm welcome (she might acknowledge it)~

Me in my Xmas finest. Kid you not. It's summer here after all...


When you're an Aussie and you're, well, me, Christmas is all about being the season of drinking even more than usual and, hopefully, missing out on a trip to Emergency for alcohol poisoning by painstakingly planning every shot of tequila...

... as well as building up your tolerance levels throughout the year in time for the next holiday challenge.

Anyhoody, I was practically begged by GettingPantsOff to share my five favourite (please note correct spelling) Xmas Day drinks with you all. Given I'm the last person to judge such things...


The Five Drinks of Krismas! 

You're welcome.

1. Coffee

Not really a total shock when you think about getting totally pissed the night before. Pretty sure you didn't make a fool of yourself in front of your family; most of whom you won't see for another year and don't really give a toss about anyways, you're now running seriously late so you need to guzzle a pot of coffee in under an hour so you can contemplate the idea of preparing your contribution to Xmas lunch and, perhaps more importantly, facing yourself in the shower.


2. Champagne 

This comes after the shower, after you've had the phone call from your *insert immediate family member here*, after you've been reminded you need to finish putting together the trifle, after you've discovered you probably ate when you got home the night before because you had the munchies, after you've thought it explains a lot about, well, a certain mess, and after you've realised the coffee buzz has gone and you're in definite need the uplifting mood bubbles can bring.


3. Margaritas

You've arrived at the family lunch and go into standard survival mode, very grateful you've painstakingly planned for those shots of tequila.


4. Water

A liquid from which the ice for your margarita slushies was made. Known to be handy for guzzingly along with a handful of painkillers whilst thanking fuck you're finally home and can now pass out without any concerns of waking up with a Salvador Dali face because some dickhead relative bought your second cousin's ex's psychotic stepchildren face paint for Xmas. You praise the invention of birth control as you peacefully - and very quickly - drop face down - stilly fully dressed complete with paper crown - on your bed.

 Also used for washing the drool from your face when you eventually wake up and realise it's time for...


5. Champeritas

Just a little something you created about 10 years ago to use up the rest of the bottle of the morning's champagne together with the extra, just-in-case-of-emergencies margarita mix. With hardly any seediness at all, which is not really surprisingly since you're an expert at this, you can now relax in front of the telly and toast the fact that you won't need to do this for another year.

 The family thing, that is. Not the drinking.

Please note gratuitous boy candy.

Oh, and probably not the best idea in the world to try my five favourite (yep, it's still the same spelling) Xmas Day drinks without any kind of training.

Unless you're an Aussie, of course, and are therefore genetically gifted.